Emotional abuse & controlling relationships
When a relationship leaves you doubting what you feel, remember or know.
You may not be ready to call the relationship abusive. You may still be in it, considering leaving, or living with what remains afterwards. Counselling offers a confidential space to understand your experience without pressure, blame or the need to diagnose the other person.
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You may recognise yourself here
Trying to understand the relationship can become a full-time occupation.
You may spend enormous energy anticipating reactions, reviewing conversations and wondering whether you are being unfair, oversensitive or simply getting everything wrong.
Walking on eggshells
You monitor tone, timing and mood, trying to prevent anger, withdrawal, criticism or another unpredictable reaction.
Doubting your own reality
You revisit what happened repeatedly and may no longer trust your memory, interpretation or emotional response.
Feeling responsible for them
You are told — directly or indirectly — that their behaviour, wellbeing or reactions depend on what you do.
Losing space for yourself
Your needs, friendships, confidence or interests have gradually become smaller while the relationship occupies more of your life.
Feeling unable to leave
Fear, finances, housing, children, immigration, health, attachment or hope may make the situation far more complex than “just leave”.
Carrying it after the relationship
Even after contact has ended, shame, fear, grief, hypervigilance or self-doubt may continue to shape daily life and new relationships.
When confusion becomes part of the experience
Not being certain does not mean that nothing important is happening.
Emotionally abusive or controlling behaviour is not always obvious from the outside. Care, affection and periods of calm may exist alongside criticism, intimidation, manipulation, monitoring, humiliation or withdrawal.
You may respond by explaining more carefully, trying harder, becoming quieter or questioning your own judgement. These responses can be attempts to preserve connection and reduce danger, not evidence that you are weak or responsible for the other person's behaviour.
Counselling can offer somewhere to slow the experience down, put language around what has been happening and begin listening to your own perception again.
You may be in a very different place
There is no single correct starting point.
You do not need to have left, made a decision or reached a particular understanding before counselling can begin.
Still in the relationship
You may be confused, frightened or trying to make everyday life manageable.
You will not be pressured to use a particular label or take an action before you feel able to consider it.
Considering or preparing to leave
Practical and emotional realities matter.
When risk is present, specialist domestic abuse support can help you consider safety and options alongside counselling.
After the relationship
Leaving does not automatically end its emotional effects.
There may be grief, anger, relief, fear, shame or a long process of recovering trust in yourself and other people.
When it was a parent or caregiver
The relationship may still shape adult boundaries, identity and belonging.
We can explore the impact of control, chronic invalidation, emotional absence or being required to organise yourself around a parent's needs.
How counselling may help
From organising yourself around the relationship towards greater clarity, space and choice.
Counselling cannot decide for you, change another person or remove every practical constraint. It can support you in understanding the impact of the relationship and recovering a more reliable connection with yourself.
Explore my counselling approachOrient
Slow down confusing interactions and recognise patterns without forcing an immediate conclusion.
Understand protection
Approach pleasing, freezing, overexplaining or hypervigilance as adaptations rather than personal failures.
Reconnect
Make room for your needs, perceptions, anger, grief, values and bodily sense of what feels safe or unsafe.
Choose
Consider boundaries, support and possible next steps at a pace that respects both your agency and circumstances.
My experience and professional boundaries
Support centred on your experience — without diagnosing the person who is not in the room.
I have experience supporting adults who are living with, leaving or recovering from emotionally abusive and controlling relationships. I have completed training in domestic abuse through my work with an organisation supporting people affected by abuse.
You are welcome to use the words that make sense to you, including "narcissistic abuse."
Our focus will be on what you have lived through and how it has affected you: the self-doubt, the confusion, the constant adjusting to someone else's moods, and the loss of trust in your own perception.
What matters here is your experience, and rebuilding your confidence in it.
I will not try to diagnose the other person, and I do not present myself as a specialist in narcissistic personality disorder.
A word about labels
You may have found terms such as narcissistic abuse, gaslighting or coercive control.
These words may help you recognise experiences that previously felt impossible to explain. They can also become another source of pressure if you feel you must prove that someone fits a diagnosis before your experience is valid.
We can explore behaviour, impact and patterns without needing certainty about another person's personality or intentions. The important question is not only “What are they?” but also “What has this relationship required me to become — and what do I need now?”
Specialist and emergency support
Counselling is not an emergency, advocacy or legal service.
If you are in danger, planning to leave, need refuge, safety planning, legal information or practical advocacy, specialist services can support you alongside or before counselling.
The services below are for the UK. If you are elsewhere, use your local emergency number and domestic abuse service.
Immediate danger
Call 999. If you cannot speak on a mobile, listen to the instructions and press 55 when prompted.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Free, 24-hour support for women: 0808 2000 247
Visit the helpline websiteMen's Advice Line
Confidential support for male victims: 0808 801 0327
Visit Men's Advice LineGalop
Support for LGBT+ victims and survivors: 0800 999 5428
Visit GalopIndividual counselling
A consistent, confidential space — online or with limited availability in Devon.
This support is offered within individual integrative counselling. A free initial call gives us a chance to consider what brings you here, whether counselling is appropriate and whether specialist support may also be helpful.
- Session length
- 50 minutes
- Weekly
- £60 per session
- Online
- UK-wide; international enquiries considered
- In person
- Limited availability in Crediton and Exeter
Questions before beginning
Frequently asked questions
Do I need to be certain that the relationship is abusive?
No. You can begin with confusion, unease or the sense that you are no longer yourself. We can explore your experience without requiring a label or a final conclusion.
Will you tell me to leave?
No. I will not pressure you into a decision or underestimate the emotional, financial, practical or safety-related realities involved. If risk is present, I may encourage specialist support so that you can consider your options as safely as possible.
Can I come to counselling while I am still in the relationship?
Yes, subject to an initial conversation about suitability and safety. You do not need to have left or decided what you will do before asking for support.
Can you tell me whether my partner or parent is narcissistic?
No. I cannot diagnose someone I have not assessed, and the purpose of counselling is not to establish a diagnosis for another person. We can explore their behaviour, your experience and the effects of the relationship on you.
Is counselling confidential?
Counselling is confidential within the limits explained in the therapeutic agreement, including circumstances involving serious risk, safeguarding or legal requirements. We can discuss any concerns about privacy or safe ways of contacting you before beginning.
Is this a specialist domestic abuse service?
No. I offer therapeutic support and have relevant experience and domestic abuse training, but I am not an emergency, refuge, advocacy or legal service. Specialist organisations may be needed alongside counselling.
You do not need the perfect words
You can begin with the sense that something in the relationship has left you feeling smaller, frightened or unsure of yourself.
A free initial call gives us a chance to talk about what brings you here and consider whether working together feels appropriate.
Please use a safe device or account if your communications may be monitored.
Lilian Pilgrim · MBACP Registered Integrative Counsellor